1. Selective hearing

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

2. Who needs sleep?

Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:56 am on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of "J" is.

— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) March 4, 2017

3. The morning grind

Before I had kids, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by saying, "Get dressed, please."

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 7, 2017

4. Always room for chips

9yo: I feel sick.

Me: Do you think you’re going to throw up?

9: Yes. Can I have some chips?

— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) March 11, 2017

5. The real playtime

Every game my kids play has the same two rules:

1) Make as much noise as humanly possible.

2) Make sure someone cries at the end.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2017

6. No rest for the weary

From what I can gather, motherhood is just repeatedly getting up after having just sat down two seconds ago.

— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) February 21, 2017

Don’t miss these hilarious pieces of parenting advice for dads from comedians who’ve been there.

7. Invasion of privacy

The signal I apparently send my kids when I try to use the bathroom alone. pic.twitter.com/GTNu3QiDwR

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 14, 2017

8. “What was I saying?”

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 2, 2017

9. The best attention-grabber

Clean your rooms! -silence
Let the dog out! -silence
Open a YouTube video – 2,000 children appear behind you screaming they wanna see.

— Court (@Discourt) March 14, 2017

10. Loss of appetite

5y.o: "I’m starving! Can I have a snack?"
Me: "Dinner’s almost ready."
5: "What’s dinner?"
Me: "Meatloaf."
5: "Ew! I’m not hungry."

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 7, 2017

11. Experiment gone wrong

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
"MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!"

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 14, 2017

12. Clean eating

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) February 19, 2016

Find out the 10 rookie mistakes that ultimately makes us way better parents.

13. Swear on my mother’s grave

*Engraved On My Headstone*
She died doing what she loved, turning socks right side out while counting the minutes until bedtime.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 8, 2017

14. #nofilter

5 year olds say the cutest things like “I love you” and “hey mom when you just took your pants off everything was all jiggly and wiggly.”

— Court (@Discourt) March 14, 2017

15. Important parenting lessons

My 6yo’s assignment was to draw a challenge she thinks she can overcome. So she drew herself teaching me how to use the tv remote. pic.twitter.com/8JcB2K0e7j

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) February 19, 2017

16. Blood, sweat, and tears

Being a parent is just basically walking around the house saying, "Clean up this mess!" until everyone is crying.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 5, 2017

17. Guess who?

Me: [in bathroom]

7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?

Me: Yeah pal

7: IT’S ME

Me: I know


Me: Knew that too

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 19, 2016

MORE: Absolutely Brilliant Parenting Hacks You’ll Wish You Knew Sooner

18. Déjà vu

Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”

— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 3, 2015

19. Pain is beauty

My 2-year-old stood still and cooperated when I brushed her hair

Just kidding

I chased her through the house like Jason in a slasher flick

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2017

20. Scrounging for scraps

I never realized how much of parenthood would involve competing with the dog for my kids’ leftover fries.

— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 11, 2017

21. Big answers for big questions

My son was crying and asked, "why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?" And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.

— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 30, 2016

22. Above the trends

"Oh my god, why are you so obsessed with clothes?!"

– My 6yo, when I asked him to hurry up and get dressed for school

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 13, 2017

23. A mother’s true love

6yo: "When my play date gets here you and her mom can just go do ‘Mom Things’ like drink wine and talk about Girl Scout cookies, ok?"

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 4, 2017

These are the 14 of the trickiest parenting etiquette dilemmas and how to handle them.

24. Try again (and again and again)

Beware a child who has learned a joke or a magic trick.

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) March 14, 2017

25. Tag is a contact sport

When a kid asks a sibling to play a game of tag, they’re basically asking if their sibling wants to take a jog that ends in a fight.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 9, 2017

26. Play pretend

Me: Go clean your room.
Translation: Go away for a few minutes. We both know you’re not going to really clean anything in there.

— Meredith (@PerfectPending) March 9, 2017

27. Sleepless nights

Me: Like, I couldn’t be more exhausted.

Parenthood: Hang on a day or so there. You can be. *Winks*

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 8, 2017

Don’t forget that the breastfeeding stage is also a crucial time for Dad, so try having your newborn nap on your husband’s chest to promote bonding.