There are certain things that humans — or enough loud people, anyway — respect as universal truths. Pizza is good. Nickelback? Bad. Wearing socks to bed is terrible and should be a crime.
The first two are absolutely inarguable, but, friends … sometimes wearing socks to bed is nice. If you suffer from dry skin or are constantly cold, it can be even nicer.
Please, hear me out.
First, sock haters, I ask you to think of your sleep cycle. If you struggle to fall asleep at night, socks in bed might be a godsend. According to the National Sleep Foundation, warming the feet before sleep causes blood vessels to dilate, signaling to the brain that it’s time to snooze for a while.
Yes, you could use a hot water bottle to the same end, but you already have socks, don’t you? Checkmate.
If you do not think these dog socks are cute, please do not speak to me.
Here’s another thing a hot water bottle can’t do: protect your sheets (and your partner) from your cracked, beleaguered heels. Unless you make regular use of Baby Feet, your clompers are probably catching on your sheets, which can wear holes into the fabric over time. It also means that, for your lover(s), playing footsie in bed is at worst painful and at best an unwanted exfoliant.
But put on a nice pair of socks, and both these problems will slip away. Curious, isn’t it?
If you aren’t convinced yet, remember that sock-wearing comes with a highly customizable UX. If the word "sock" brings to mind a thick winter wool, keep in mind that there are plenty of other sock fabrics out there. Consider a more breathable microfiber sock — if you’re worried about overheating but don’t want your heels to catch on your sheets, these QTs will do the trick.
Bedtime is also the perfect time to wear your novelty socks — you know, the patently hilarious ones that, depressingly, are not appropriate to wear to work. I sleep in my surfing pug socks all the time, a decision I consider both cozy and auspicious.
And remember moisturizing socks? Y’all! There are a lot of moisturizing socks out there, and while not many are attractive, most can help soothe those dry heels while you sleep.
These nice blue Earth Therapeutics Spa Socks are $5 at Target.
Your feet may even improve so much, you won’t want to wear socks to bed anymore — meaning that wearing socks to bed may help wean you off wearing socks to bed. Wow, truth really is stranger than fiction.
In conclusion, friends, I’ll come clean: my apartment doesn’t have central heat. It is heated only by three space heaters — the kind that come with a fake fireplace animation and are constantly turning off for a reason no one has explained to me and that I will likely never understand.
Folks, my apartment is very cold, and wearing socks to bed is a good way for me to stay warm. So please just give me this. At the very least, put on a pair of socks in solidarity.
Please. It will be easier for you to curate your morning Instagrams.